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Kavod ha rav, since finding Torah and HaShem and beginning to do Mitzvot , Paying back those from which I stole from, apologizing to everyone whom I wronged in any way, and spreading Torah I have begun suffering greatly. My skin has been afflicted with zits like when I was a teenager, when before I had clear skin.I have had a lawsuit filed against me for the first time in my life. I am in deep depression and I can’t find the will or energy to work from fear. I am on the verge of losing the little that I had. I’m fighting to not become homeless and not be imprisoned in the hugely racist and anti Torah anti Semitic place in which I live. If I were to convert I can only imagine how much more lonely I would be. I want to be happy and live a joyous life , all the people around me and the people in the world seem to effortlessly find happiness, joy , riches and love and they don’t have HaShem. Have I become overzealous? Maybe in my previous life I did something to deserve this , I don’t know . But to be honest I am fighting and will not give up. The Christians are flourishing and blossoming while i feel I am wasting away and rotting. My neshama is in agony and sometimes I feel it will leave my body kasvet shalom. There is nobody in my life to turn to, I have nobody in my life to confide. My family doesn’t believe in any of this. I live in loneliness . I don’t know what to do. This isn’t a question this is embarrassing for me to even talk about, so I will continue to suffer in silence if this is what HaShem wants, then gamzu le tova
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